The Doctor (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
nevercruel) wrote2018-11-21 09:21 pm
nevercruel) wrote2018-11-21 09:21 pm
IC Voicemail
Hello, this is the Doctor! The eldest, that is. I guess I have a voicemail, now. If you don't find me at the TARDIS, check one of the others. If you don't find me there, then I don't know where I am. Just leave a message and I'll get to it eventually. Hopefully.
I try, at least. Might take a while.
[Voice messages, Texts, Video calls, whatever you want. This is just how to reach her on her mobile device.]
I try, at least. Might take a while.
[Voice messages, Texts, Video calls, whatever you want. This is just how to reach her on her mobile device.]
no subject
That little bit of information confirmed something she had suspected but hadn't outright asked of 11, wanting to give him space without forcing him to explain the details. She nodded gently.]
It would be. When we stopped worryin' about who she was and started accepting her simply existing, we got closer to her then we wanted to. We...don't deal with losin' people very well. [She'd almost wanted to say that he had been one of the ones to take losses the worst, but it wasn't worse for him then it was for the 10th or the 12th, not really. It was just...different. The 10th got angry, tried to make people pay for it. Their 11th face let it break him, felt the pain down into whatever might have been called a soul because he had tried so hard and failed. And the last face? He never stopped hurting, so the losses drove him to...well. Maybe not claim the laws of Time as his for the breaking, but they had still meddled in things that should have never been meddled with. He hadn't cared about what it meant for him. What could they do to him? Kill him? Secretly, he'd would have been thankful. Execute Clara? She had already died. Giving her a chance at living again, having a chance to make up to her for having ruined her life was all that had mattered.
So many years later, with a new face and a clearer head, she knew how wrong it had been. He had, too, of course, but he'd been in too much pain to care. Now? Part of her wished that she could beg for Clara's forgiveness for what she'd done. And she had done so. Very. Much.
And then her thoughts were back on "Fluffy," and she sighed, nodded back gently, her lips trying to give a small smile to hide where her thoughts were going despite the pain in her eyes.]
He told me, about the regenerating. He's...[How could she explain it? She pressed her forehead against Rose's temple gently as she struggled with the words, with trying to convey what was going through her head, because it was hard.] I don't know what to do, about him. I suppose it's as bad as what 12 is goin' through. It's different. He was in pain, near the end, too, but it wasn't as bad as that. Not until...not until right at the end, and...gettin' trapped in that state, I can't imagine what it's doin' to 'im. [Her brow furrowed, and she nuzzled Rose gently without even seeming to realize what she was doing.] I'm worried. 'Bout both of 'em, stuck here where they're caught in the pain they're feelin' an' the paradoxes it's causin'. We're too out of synch. They're not fixed, anymore, everything could change, and I'm worried if it does, it'll be something so much worse.
[Scared for herself, yes, a little. If they stopped being, then so did she. But it was more then that. The Doctor wasn't afraid of her own death, not really. She'd faced it down so many times, she knew she was ready for it, however it came, whenever it came, and she just wanted to enjoy everything she could in life until she reached that moment. But seeing people suffering, seeing people in pain and losing all hope, it always hurt. Logically, it should have been easy to think it was "different" when it was her own past selves, but it really wasn't. They were suffering, and she just wanted to make it all go away. Same as any other time the Universe had called on the Doctor for help. She just didn't know how, and that was what terrified her. She was so used to having the answers, and now that she didn't, it was enough to make her a wreck if she let it.
The insistence Rose gave that her past self didn't hate her almost brought a laugh to her lips. Oh, Rose. This was something she did know. She remembered that absolute rage just before the end, that absolute refusal that he'd only been able to finally let go of mere moments before it happened. How at that moment of regeneration, when his own pain met with her awakening, his acceptance and relief melted into her terror as they hit that critical moment of equilibrium and they thought for one brief heartsbeat that it was going to fail and they would die. She didn't hate him for it, though. It would have been so easy to hate him for the way he felt about her, but she couldn't. In that weird way that each regeneration felt like a death and a rebirth, each face passing on so the other could live, it caused a strange sort of disassociation for her now, to see him and know what he was going through and not be able to let him know that it was ok, that he was finally able to rest, even if she was alive to tell it. Regeneration was such a strange, messy duality, sometimes, hard to understand the emotions of even for the ones who lived them.
Either way, she knew the words would ring so hollow, when he still had to live on here, still in pain, and with her there to remind him that he wouldn't get that rest he so desperately wanted, not really.
The words Rose said, though, about what had happened between Universes, about meeting up with herself in that face and stopping his regenerations, made her pull away, confusion on her face as she tried to make sense of it, shaking her head.]
What do you mean, "between universes?" You mean...between Pete's world and ours? Another Doctor in another universe or-...? [But no, 10 had said Rose and Jack and their 11th had found him. Had stopped the regeneration when he ended up here again. Her brow furrowed, threads of understanding wanting to knit themselves together but missing the most important details to bring it into full realization.] Rose, I don't understand.
[And that was the most frustrating part, wasn't it? The not knowing. Story of this entire place.]
no subject
[But maybe that was just in the Doctor's nature, as much as it was in Rose's to run.]
Yeah. No.
[Between universes, not another Doctor.]
Ehhhh I dunno. You said TimeLords don't splinter. Part o' why you regenerate, yeah? So for the Dimension Cannon to get back... [She's not looking her in the eye, the complete picture of a guilty dog.] I had to go through what I'd call shadow universes. You know other people's choices that would splinter into other universes, but they're not sustainable.
[Pushes her hair back with a hand and huffs.] I fought with Guitarist about it. Said it wasn't real. But he said all simulations are and things like that and -- [VIOLENT HEADSHAKE.] BUT IT WASN'T! [Shiver.] Told Ted I thought it was the devil's revenge on me. [Bitter grin.] It's not important.
The important thing is... [Deep breath.] I didn't... couldn't let you die. After I fell, and Da' caught me, you were kind of a mess. And there were all these points where you going to die with no regenerating, drowning under the Thames and whatever, and I kept sending Donna and her family and a few others your way. Mostly only Donna could see me. But her family too, they were really sweet to me. And sometimes others on other planets....
[Hides her face in both hands.] Sorry.
Look... please don't see existing as some kind of torment, yeah? I don't know what it's like, I know... [Crying.] I know Jack's been through terrible things, and I know [Rubs face with a fist.] He doesn't blame me... and it's not that I'm mad at myself for that, it's that... I couldn't be there afterwards, yeah? [Sniffle.] Living isn't about... not dying. You die all the time. It's about so much more than that. Really enjoying it. Loving still. [Sniffle.] That's why... that's why I said what I did before. To keep lovin', no matter what.
I can only be here for Jack here, you understand that, right? [Really crying in full now. Bwahhhh. She'll be fine in a touch.]
No one told me back then! I didn't know we'd be abandoning him!
[BWAHHHHH -- Deep breath. BREATHE ROSE.] I'm okay.
[Just turns to go grab tissues and stop bawling. Collect herself. Meditation. She even falls a little into some of the kata she does with Trunks.]
[Rubs fist over face again and stern back to the Doctor!!] Fluffy's doing most of the damage to himself, because I explode, and he implodes. I did explode.... I don't want to talk about it. [Wry grin.] But it's like an ongoing thing for him. Everyone acts like Guitarist is so dangerous, will get me hurt. The first year I was here I was so angry, I couldn't stop fighting with any of the Doctor, and even now...
[Rolls her shoulders.] It's not this place doing anything to Fluffy. It's himself. He wants control where he doesn't have none. He thinks everything's got to be his way.
[Soft laugh and Rose shakes her head.] Everyone said that about me when we were fighting. It didn't even make sense, yanno? Because... it doesn't matter now.
[Shrugs again.] S'just how he is. Hot and cold. Everything so extreme. There's days where he just wants to be with me in the TARDIS, and then weeks where even if I'm sittin' in his lap workin' he doesn't seem to notice.
Everyone acts like Guitarist has given up, but he's also given up on givin' up, yeah? It takes too much energy to fight some things. But Fluffy's still scrappy and fighting it.
And I get it. He can't go back anymore, but that just means he's got so much more here. Like how I can't ever -- [Face flickers. Stubborn face.] be with Jack otherwise.
[Hand up.] I dunno if you'd get jealous of Jack. Fluffy did. Lied about it too. And went and forgot it, so now he doesn't get why and how I was angry and keeps substituting all the wrong reasons and drives me mad. I really hurt him when I said I wasn't staying here for him, just Jack. But that's not true anymore. But...
You always look at what you don't have, instead of what you do, you know that? Drives me mad.
You're surrounded by people who love you, who'll do anything for you, impossible adventures you can't even have back in your proper timeline, and the whole lot of you is just drivin' yerself zooey with how you're out of sync and it feels off and you're so used to fixin' it, it's like you've forgotten what it is to just go back and see the sunsets and enjoy it.
Do that here.
Please.
Because otherwise, I promise you, I'll end up fightin' you again just like Fluffy and Guitarist.
I don't mean you gotta pretend to have fun when you're not. I'll be here no matter how hurt and angry and depressed you all are. That's never changed. We're friends, yeah? But stop tryin' ta fight the sunrise and just enjoy it. Please?
[DEEP BREATH. And sighs.] Because otherwise then I cursed you even worse than Jack. And I know, it's not my fault, it's just how you're handling things. But Jack took what I did to him and made it amazing. Just so I wouldn't have to feel bad. Now it's your turn.
Life should be about living, and enjoying it. So do that for me, yeah?
All these goofball epxressive icons, and I don't have one of her with just...a basic, sad smile. 8T
And in a way, didn't it just serve them right?
Her hands trembled as she set down the long-forgotten tea and biscuit, and they trembled as she watched the pain and guilt on Rose's face and felt the way the knowledge settled into her bones like a lead weight. Oh, no amount of happier was enough to keep everything from hurting, and this, all of this, was what finally broke her, just enough that when she finally remembered to breath again, it was with a soft, gasping sob of her own.
No, no no no no no. Please, no! Even as she reached out and fiercely clung to Rose, wrapping her arms around her neck and burying her face in her shoulder, the words droned in her head. She had just recovered from that feeling of absolute dread, from the sense that he couldn't take one more day of living and that it was just too much. It threatened to push its way back into her mind and she fought against it, fought to bury it deep and refuse its hold on her. She could not go back to that, not again! No, she could handle this, she could figure this out, like she always did.
She took a shuddering breath, pulled away to look Rose in the eyes. Reason it through, Doctor, don't let yourself get swept up in the emotions.]
How long? How much did you change? [Because there was no way Rose could have stopped everything. And the Doctor had 11 more lives to figure it out, even if she had. It was a puzzle, just like everything else.
And then Rose was crying, actually deeply crying, and she wanted it to stop, wanted her pain to go away so that she would never have to cry again. She pulled her arms away from their hold on her neck to hold her face and pulling her closer, pressing her lips to her forehead before she could think about stopping herself, kissing her again on the temple.]
No, Rose, no. Stop it, you're blamin' yourself, don't you dare! [You don't give a child access to the most powerful forces in the universe and then expect them to understand what they do with them. You don't blame them for trying to make things better when it all inevitably goes south. The Doctor understood, the Doctor knew better, and yet they'd insisted, and this was where it had gotten them.] I did this to us. Everything that's happened to you, everything that's happened to us, I'm the one who started it all, an' I knew better.
[She shuffled uncomfortably, pressing closer to her as she fought to try and find the words she needed to say, tried to make sense of herself and how she felt after everything, compared to everything. Because there had been times, yes, when life had been so hard, when going on had felt like such a weight on their hearts and they didn't know if they could bear it. She could look back on those times, now, and see how dark they had been, see that they had not been a normal state of being, and it made it so painfully clear just how much hurt they'd been carrying with them for so long.
But would it be right of her, to tell her that those times were over? The swear to her that it was all in the past and she would never feel that way again? She chewed on her lip, worrying it red as she fought with herself, with wanting to make Rose happy, but not wanting to lie.]
Rose, I...I can't say I'll never be in pain. I just can't. Life doesn't work that way. But...but I promise you, for now, that I'm happy. [And she meant it, despite the emotions that were raging between them right now, despite the look on her face that held a mixture of fear and concern.] I know I wasn't ok, before. Everything was hurt for a very long time, an' it started so long before I met you, you'd been one of the first things to really break through it all. But I promise you that right now, in this body, I've been so much happier. Do you understand?
[She let her pull away, watching her pace and fuss as she tried to calm herself down, and when she looked back at her to say she didn't want to talk about their fighting with that sad grin, she nodded understandingly, just letting her say what she needed to say. Oh, she understood what she meant, about the younger Doctor driving himself to his wit's end because he felt like he was powerless. That was something that would never change, no matter which face they wore. Prideful and obstinate to a fault, that was the Doctor, always had been and always would be. It was part of why she was so worried about the younger ones, and part of why she was so frustrated with everything herself.
And then, just as her own brow furrowed and she opened her mouth to say something about how "Fluffy" couldn't have more here, about how the very fact that Bow-ties" and "Guitarist" and she were here to even see Rose again proved that they had no future here, the little bomb about Jack dropped, and she stopped short, blinked, went still. Ok. So. She had said she wouldn't have been jealous with whomever Rose chose to love because it meant she was happy, but it would have been a lie if she'd tried to say that that hadn't given her just a tiny, needling little feeling of hurt right in her hearts. Mentally, she acknowledged it, her mouth closing into a fine line, processed it and considered what it meant. Felt the way that hurt made her feel just a bit worse when Rose admitted to a time when, after coming here, she had wanted Jack and not him.
And then she sighed. Let it go. Her arms slipped into her pockets unconsciously as she shook her head, forcing a sad smile back on her face. She might even have noticed, in the back of her mind, the way the jealousy and the hurt took a little of her with it when she forced herself to move past it. Something for her to process much later, when things were less intense.]
I told you before, yeah? I just want to know that you're happy. I can't speak for-er...Fluffy. Not with the state he's in, now. I might'a been able to before, but not with the state he's in, so if you an' Jack bein' together was too much for him, with what he's feelin' right now, I can't say. But if you're happy with him, instead'a me, then I can accept that.
[She sighed again, wiping her eyes on her sleeve and shaking her head and this time, she definitely made a mental note of that small, very slightly hollow-feeling in the pit of her chest. Not angry, not upset, not jealous or hurt. Just. There. Indescribable and faint, already being swallowed again by the love she felt. Friends, yes. If nothing else, she loved Rose enough, and perhaps had already mourned her long enough, that if she needed to let her go and accept the fact that that love had to be different now, then she could.
She pulled one of her hands out of her pocket and reached out for Rose's hand, holding it and squeezing it gently, but letting her have that space as she tried to smile more brightly.]
I wish we coulda met, back home. Away from this place. Things are...too much here, I think, for you to see it in me, now. You been dealin' with my other selves, an' all you knew was the me that was livin' with so much pain before, so it probably seems like that's all I've ever been. But I do promise, Rose, I am doin' better, now. I'm tryin', livin' life more, lettin' myself have fun again. I'm tryin' t'learn from my mistakes an' be a better person then I was, tryin' to make up for...everything. [Her gaze drifted over Rose's shoulder, going distant as she looked back on things, at the way things had felt for so long, how she felt now, and how things had felt before the Not-Doctor had caused such a dark, painful cloud to fall over their life so many thousands of years ago, whether he'd committed that horrible, unforgivable act or not.
The memory of that face made her draw a breath, a thought occurring to her, and she looked back at Rose, the smile on her face actually carrying some of the happiness she'd been trying to show before.]
Did...Guitarist, or Bow Ties tell you? About Gallifrey? [Because if they hadn't, if Rose didn't know about that, then it might have been harder for her to understand how much she had healed since she'd been in her life. Their previous face had still suffered from the pain greatly, yes, still haunted by the memories of the thing they'd done before they undid it, because memories for a time traveler were messy things and rewriting one thing never fully unwrote the thing that had been before. But that event was finally something that she had found herself able to let go of, no longer weighed down by such an intense, crushing guilt that it threatened to swallow her up and drag her down into a spiral of actual madness that had nothing to do with their naturally absurd, unconventional mind.] Fluffy won't remember it, an' Bow-Ties might not have lived it, yet, but your Guitarist will know. He still hurts because the memories never really rewrote themselves, so he's got two histories in his head, but...it's safe. Went back an' stopped ourselves from doin' it. Fluffy an' Bow-Ties, we went back an' we stopped the man who came before your first Doctor. Saved everyone.
[Including themselves.]
:(
I don't know. I just followed the trail of Bad Wolf. But I never knew what I did to Jack until here. And with you...
[A shudder and Rose buries her face in the Doctor's chest, not caring, just sniffling, trying to breathe and not cry so much anymore.] A lot. A lot a lot. I didn't even mean to...
Fluffy said he saw Wilf, and Donna's family kept comin' back and... [More sniffles.] I think that was me too. They were the only ones who could really see me, 'specially as I got closer, so I relied on them most, yeah? I dunno it all. 'm sorry.
It's not your fault. [Rose reaches up and gently grabs the Doctor by both cheeks and sternly mushes them.] Listen. Not your fault, yeah? I told you as Big-Ears and leather jacket, and I'll tell you as your next face past this one too. Not your fault. [Growl growl.] What I did to Jack, and you... 's the same as with my Da'. Pete. Remember the paradox? I don't let go easily. And I act in the moment. And with my emotions runnin' amok, not my head. 'm sorry.
But I believe you, that you're happier. Stay that way, yeah?
[She lets go. And slowly scrunches her face, makes SEVERAL MORE faces. And then glowers with a small snort, before putting a finger over the Doctor's lips to stop the endless stream of babble.]
That is not what I want, nor what I ever wanted, yeah? [Growl growl.] Doctor... [Bad wolf huff!]
[Another snort, and then an armfold!]
I haven't had sex with Jack since he walked in on me and Fluffy shagging in the office. That was in March.
[BLUNT, but she's fed up with games and tiptoeing leading to complications and SO MUCH CONFUSION between her and 10.]
[She slowly unfolds, takes one of the Doctor's hands, gives it a gentle squeeze, and puts a finger back over the Doctor's lips.]
When I first got here last year, Fluffy was already here with Martha, and I was one hour outta being left with Meta in Pete's Universe. I was angry and hurting, and Koishi offered to let me stay in Hell with her and her sister, and I really genuinely nearly took her up on it, but I couldn't just... avoid him. He was from before he thought the Master died, and Martha was just... the best. She always is, yeah?
When Guitarist came, I didn't know he was you right away. Or the Doctor. I flirted up a storm, and when I found out he was the Doctor too, I was right livid.
Finding out what happened to Jack...
[Deep breath. DEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BREATH. Slowly lets it out.] It wasn't just that I made him a fixed point. It was that we left him behind.
Fluffy was just overwhelmed. I was runnin' hot and cold on him and could barely tell him why, and he ran away to stay with Belle for a little bit... and when I asked him to come back, he was upset that I was so angry. I didn't want to just... [LOOKS UP AT THE CEILING.] Rub salt and guilt into old wounds, but I wasn't exactly gentle when I tried to explain I was upset about how we left Jack and he didn't tell me.
He wanted me, Jack, and Martha to get along, so he said he loved us all equally, all the same.
[Still holding the Doctor's hand, looks back down and SQUARE into her eyes, all fierce and angrier than the Doctor has probably *ever* seen Rose Tyler. Putting Jackie Tyler well to shame.] I didn't take that well. [A muscle in her cheek throbs!] Seeing as he, you, promised to never leave me... [Looks back up at the ceiling and doesn't let go of hand!!!]
Like I said, it's NOT true anymore. I'm not staying for Jack. I'm staying for me. [Gentler look into the Doctor's eyes.] When I first started Torchwood with Jack here, I thought it was a chance for us to do things right. He was just -- he was trapped. And I should have been there. [Furrowed brow.]
[Shakes head.] Don't matter. [Swings the Doctor's hand and gently kisses it.] What matters is... I want everyone to have the best time here they can. Life isn't just about existing, it's about loving it. Loving people. Experiences. Enjoying it.
I wanted to stop being in love with Fluffy to make it easier on him to be with Jack and Martha the way he seemed to say he wanted. But it made everyone more miserable. I even fought with Amy about it, and that killed me. She was my best friend, even more than him, right when I needed it most. I thought I was a monster for being in love with Guitarist... [GLANCES FAR AWAY, completely turning her head away!!] when he was married, and Fluffy... he knew I was angry with his older self too, because of that, but he didn't get that it wasn't because he got married, it was because... I was trying to hold that anger hard so it could keep me at a distance. Act as a barrier. And the more people told me to let it go... the less I could, because it was going to hurt everyone. Even more than me bein' angry already was, yeah?
And Martha going back didn't solve it, don't think it did! Because then Fluffy went back to check on her, and I ran away to Guitarist, and when he came back he died, and when he came back from dying, he wanted something more with me here and I was just... [DEEP BREATH. Blows out her cheeks.]
What solved it was Martha telling me point blank to stop trying to protect her. Because if the Doctor only was with her because I refused, it'd leave him pining, same as before. And she didn't, doesn't, want him like that.
Jack and me... we're complicated. But he's not what I want.
I just spent a year and a half refusing to go after what I wanted, because...
[Looks back up at the ceiling... and chews her bottom lip. And sighs!] Same reason you left me with Meta, innit?
[Gently squeezes hand.] I thought I should give Fluffy the chances he couldn't have in any other universe. I wanted everyone to be happy. That's what makes me happy. I can't be if my friends aren't, and if my friends are all happy together, isn't it best if I back away, make it nice and easy? I wanted to be the one sacrificing what I want...
[Laughs and cries, mixed tears and mixed emotions face back to the Doctor.] We're kind of a mess, you and me, yeah?
[Rubs her eyes with an arm to get rid of tears!!!]
[And a gentle fingertip back over the Doctor's lips.]
Promise me, while you're here, you won't do that again. I did it to you... well, Fluffy. So I get it. I do. I think. [Gulp.] But we don't gotta here. [Drops finger and looks at feet.] What I said before. Still stands. But if you want something here... just enjoy it. [Head shake!] I want that for you back home too, but what I mean is... I won't try to make anyone else's choices, even if I think I'm just making my own by seeing my own way out. We're too... [Holds up their joined hand and tangles their fingers even more with a soft smile.] Tied together, you and I. I'm happiest with my Doctor. You don't have to be my Doctor anymore if you don't want to. But don't push me away just because you're scared of how hard it is to share me, or you want everyone else who wants to share my time to be happy too, and you think the only way to do it is by pushing me back. [Face scrunch.] Or if you're like me and get so jealous you think it's impossible to share because you'll try to completely block out everyone else. [Face scrunch!!!!!!] Or is that just me?? [Rolls shoulders and slightly swings hand.]
Anyway. That's what I did that to him, and it was disastrous. Ask Sarah Jane. Or Guitarist. Guitarist had to get me to stop fighting with him... both of him even.
So I promise... [Hand squeeze.] I'm not doin' that anymore. To ANY o' you! I'm scared o' ... [Face scrunch.] Makin' you immortal or destroyin' universes when I try to keep you close, but I'm just...
[Deep breath, and SHRUGS.] Gonna let the chips fall wherever, yeah?
It's too much... stress otherwise.
[Puff!]
[Head tilt about Gallifrey, and slow headshake.]
Saved... ?
I know....
[Furrowed brow. She promised Guitarist to keep a secret from the Doctor's past. And DEFINITELY Martha and Jack. And anyone else the Master hurt. And even River Song. But the future...]
[CAREFULLY SAID:] Why guitarist was working at a university for fifty years. Buuuuuuut I promised not to tell anyone, not even Fluffy, even though he ... Really really REALLY misses his friend. Like woke me up with nightmares and accidentally shared memories super misses. But I didn't tell him. Because I promised. [Furrowed brow.] So I know...
You're not alone...
Among your um... species? [Face scrunch!] And that Jenny is a thing and Fluffy thought she died, but she didn't. Fluffy's kind of dumb. Just so you know.