IC Voicemail

[nevercruel]

Hello, this is the Doctor! The eldest, that is. I guess I have a voicemail, now. If you don't find me at the TARDIS, check one of the others. If you don't find me there, then I don't know where I am. Just leave a message and I'll get to it eventually. Hopefully.

I try, at least. Might take a while.

[Voice messages, Texts, Video calls, whatever you want. This is just how to reach her on her mobile device.]

Comments

:(

[bigbadrose]

[Rose laughed and cried at the first question and shook her head. How much DID she change?]

I don't know. I just followed the trail of Bad Wolf. But I never knew what I did to Jack until here. And with you...

[A shudder and Rose buries her face in the Doctor's chest, not caring, just sniffling, trying to breathe and not cry so much anymore.] A lot. A lot a lot. I didn't even mean to...

Fluffy said he saw Wilf, and Donna's family kept comin' back and... [More sniffles.] I think that was me too. They were the only ones who could really see me, 'specially as I got closer, so I relied on them most, yeah? I dunno it all. 'm sorry.

It's not your fault. [Rose reaches up and gently grabs the Doctor by both cheeks and sternly mushes them.] Listen. Not your fault, yeah? I told you as Big-Ears and leather jacket, and I'll tell you as your next face past this one too. Not your fault. [Growl growl.] What I did to Jack, and you... 's the same as with my Da'. Pete. Remember the paradox? I don't let go easily. And I act in the moment. And with my emotions runnin' amok, not my head. 'm sorry.

But I believe you, that you're happier. Stay that way, yeah?

[She lets go. And slowly scrunches her face, makes SEVERAL MORE faces. And then glowers with a small snort, before putting a finger over the Doctor's lips to stop the endless stream of babble.]

That is not what I want, nor what I ever wanted, yeah? [Growl growl.] Doctor... [Bad wolf huff!]

[Another snort, and then an armfold!]

I haven't had sex with Jack since he walked in on me and Fluffy shagging in the office. That was in March.

[BLUNT, but she's fed up with games and tiptoeing leading to complications and SO MUCH CONFUSION between her and 10.]

[She slowly unfolds, takes one of the Doctor's hands, gives it a gentle squeeze, and puts a finger back over the Doctor's lips.]

When I first got here last year, Fluffy was already here with Martha, and I was one hour outta being left with Meta in Pete's Universe. I was angry and hurting, and Koishi offered to let me stay in Hell with her and her sister, and I really genuinely nearly took her up on it, but I couldn't just... avoid him. He was from before he thought the Master died, and Martha was just... the best. She always is, yeah?

When Guitarist came, I didn't know he was you right away. Or the Doctor. I flirted up a storm, and when I found out he was the Doctor too, I was right livid.

Finding out what happened to Jack...

[Deep breath. DEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BREATH. Slowly lets it out.] It wasn't just that I made him a fixed point. It was that we left him behind.

Fluffy was just overwhelmed. I was runnin' hot and cold on him and could barely tell him why, and he ran away to stay with Belle for a little bit... and when I asked him to come back, he was upset that I was so angry. I didn't want to just... [LOOKS UP AT THE CEILING.] Rub salt and guilt into old wounds, but I wasn't exactly gentle when I tried to explain I was upset about how we left Jack and he didn't tell me.

He wanted me, Jack, and Martha to get along, so he said he loved us all equally, all the same.

[Still holding the Doctor's hand, looks back down and SQUARE into her eyes, all fierce and angrier than the Doctor has probably *ever* seen Rose Tyler. Putting Jackie Tyler well to shame.] I didn't take that well. [A muscle in her cheek throbs!] Seeing as he, you, promised to never leave me... [Looks back up at the ceiling and doesn't let go of hand!!!]

Like I said, it's NOT true anymore. I'm not staying for Jack. I'm staying for me. [Gentler look into the Doctor's eyes.] When I first started Torchwood with Jack here, I thought it was a chance for us to do things right. He was just -- he was trapped. And I should have been there. [Furrowed brow.]

[Shakes head.] Don't matter. [Swings the Doctor's hand and gently kisses it.] What matters is... I want everyone to have the best time here they can. Life isn't just about existing, it's about loving it. Loving people. Experiences. Enjoying it.

I wanted to stop being in love with Fluffy to make it easier on him to be with Jack and Martha the way he seemed to say he wanted. But it made everyone more miserable. I even fought with Amy about it, and that killed me. She was my best friend, even more than him, right when I needed it most. I thought I was a monster for being in love with Guitarist... [GLANCES FAR AWAY, completely turning her head away!!] when he was married, and Fluffy... he knew I was angry with his older self too, because of that, but he didn't get that it wasn't because he got married, it was because... I was trying to hold that anger hard so it could keep me at a distance. Act as a barrier. And the more people told me to let it go... the less I could, because it was going to hurt everyone. Even more than me bein' angry already was, yeah?

And Martha going back didn't solve it, don't think it did! Because then Fluffy went back to check on her, and I ran away to Guitarist, and when he came back he died, and when he came back from dying, he wanted something more with me here and I was just... [DEEP BREATH. Blows out her cheeks.]

What solved it was Martha telling me point blank to stop trying to protect her. Because if the Doctor only was with her because I refused, it'd leave him pining, same as before. And she didn't, doesn't, want him like that.

Jack and me... we're complicated. But he's not what I want.

I just spent a year and a half refusing to go after what I wanted, because...

[Looks back up at the ceiling... and chews her bottom lip. And sighs!] Same reason you left me with Meta, innit?

[Gently squeezes hand.] I thought I should give Fluffy the chances he couldn't have in any other universe. I wanted everyone to be happy. That's what makes me happy. I can't be if my friends aren't, and if my friends are all happy together, isn't it best if I back away, make it nice and easy? I wanted to be the one sacrificing what I want...

[Laughs and cries, mixed tears and mixed emotions face back to the Doctor.] We're kind of a mess, you and me, yeah?

[Rubs her eyes with an arm to get rid of tears!!!]

[And a gentle fingertip back over the Doctor's lips.]

Promise me, while you're here, you won't do that again. I did it to you... well, Fluffy. So I get it. I do. I think. [Gulp.] But we don't gotta here. [Drops finger and looks at feet.] What I said before. Still stands. But if you want something here... just enjoy it. [Head shake!] I want that for you back home too, but what I mean is... I won't try to make anyone else's choices, even if I think I'm just making my own by seeing my own way out. We're too... [Holds up their joined hand and tangles their fingers even more with a soft smile.] Tied together, you and I. I'm happiest with my Doctor. You don't have to be my Doctor anymore if you don't want to. But don't push me away just because you're scared of how hard it is to share me, or you want everyone else who wants to share my time to be happy too, and you think the only way to do it is by pushing me back. [Face scrunch.] Or if you're like me and get so jealous you think it's impossible to share because you'll try to completely block out everyone else. [Face scrunch!!!!!!] Or is that just me?? [Rolls shoulders and slightly swings hand.]

Anyway. That's what I did that to him, and it was disastrous. Ask Sarah Jane. Or Guitarist. Guitarist had to get me to stop fighting with him... both of him even.

So I promise... [Hand squeeze.] I'm not doin' that anymore. To ANY o' you! I'm scared o' ... [Face scrunch.] Makin' you immortal or destroyin' universes when I try to keep you close, but I'm just...

[Deep breath, and SHRUGS.] Gonna let the chips fall wherever, yeah?

It's too much... stress otherwise.

[Puff!]

[Head tilt about Gallifrey, and slow headshake.]

Saved... ?

I know....

[Furrowed brow. She promised Guitarist to keep a secret from the Doctor's past. And DEFINITELY Martha and Jack. And anyone else the Master hurt. And even River Song. But the future...]

[CAREFULLY SAID:] Why guitarist was working at a university for fifty years. Buuuuuuut I promised not to tell anyone, not even Fluffy, even though he ... Really really REALLY misses his friend. Like woke me up with nightmares and accidentally shared memories super misses. But I didn't tell him. Because I promised. [Furrowed brow.] So I know...

You're not alone...

Among your um... species? [Face scrunch!] And that Jenny is a thing and Fluffy thought she died, but she didn't. Fluffy's kind of dumb. Just so you know.